Updated: Apr 20, 2020
Cow Belles (2005) was amongst the DCOMs that I was most excited to watch again. It was never one of my favourites, but the cow birthing scene seemed to have scarred my brain for the last 10 years. Featuring the most forgettable stars of 2000s Disney Channel, Aly & AJ, this film is the weirdest attempt to ‘make a serious Disney film’ I’ve ever seen. The plot is ridiculously simple: Courtney and Taylor are 2 teenage sisters who have no idea of the value of money, so their father decides to send them to work at the dairy factory he owns. When they start working at the factory, all of the money from the business’s bank account disappears and it is up to the girls to figure out how to save the factory whilst their father is away.
I’m going to be honest, there is nothing good about this film. Absolutely none of it makes sense. In an attempt to make a film about the value of money, it’s obvious that the writers have NO idea how money and businesses work. At the heart of the plot is the business owner, Reed, who is invited on a vacation with his friend and business partner. It is during this time that the money from their business has disappeared. When it’s announced that the business might go under, Courtney and Taylor find themselves selling everything under the sun to keep the business alive. They literally drop $40,000 on saving their father’s business whilst having no idea what his plans were. What if he had already had a lump sum to save the business? What if he was planning on selling? In addition to this, they all assume that it was his crooked business partner who stole the money- what if it was Reed? My favourite example of the lack of understanding of how REAL money works was when Taylor decided to sell her mum’s fancy car to a factory worker (the first person she asked) at an obviously lower price than it would normally get. Why would she do that? Surely by asking someone else she would get more money and have a better chance to save the business? By this point they would’ve made enough money from the car to pay for Courtney’s party and everything would’ve been fine. STUPID!
There are NO good characters in this film, everyone is beyond shitty. Taylor and Courtney’s snobby friends are amongst the worst groups of rich teenage girls any teen movie has ever seen. As well as this, all of the workers at the factory are extremely rude to the girls who are trying to save their incomes. The only one with any character traits was the lady who looked like Anne Robinson from the Weakest Link, and the only trait she had was the fact that she sings. That’s literally it. The French exchange student Phillipe might have been interesting but I was too focused on the awful accent, and Taylor’s farm boy Jackson was a douchebag until Taylor yelled yeehaw then suddenly he’s all over her.
To make matters worse, the lack of character development in this film is astounding. For a film which has a premise of two teenage girls learning about the value of money, it does the complete opposite. Day two of working at the factory and suddenly Taylor switches from spending thousands on a shopping spree to being willing to sell her mother’s car and her entire life to pay the wages of the workers, how does one change that drastically? Did she hit her head overnight? Or was she faking being a spoilt brat before? The people at this factory treat her like shit why would she ever want to bail them out? Even worse than this: her sister Courtney is a complete twat the whole way through. From temper tantrums over dresses and party budgets, by the last scene of the film she was still moaning about not having enough money. Did the plot of the film just not happen to her?
The ending of this experience was truly the cherry on top of the stupidest movie I’ve ever seen. To save the business, due to a mistake she made when she was throwing a hissy fit, Courtney crashes a party and begs a bunch of teenagers to work at a dairy factory with no pay. Not only is this the stupidest thing I’ve ever witnessed, but surely that’s illegal? You can’t be working machinery in a factory with no contract signed! Also- some of these kids are literally babies. Is there no understanding of child labour laws in this factory? Do they just let any child start using heavy machinery? Who would ever leave a party, with a very good dessert tray, to start putting lids on milk illegally? WHO WROTE THIS SHIT? The police should’ve been called straight away!
As you have probably gathered, I hate this film so much. For something that describes itself as a ‘comedy’, the only thing funny is the god awful fashion choices. I thought that I was perhaps overthinking this film, I mean it is a children’s film so of course it’s going to be stupid. But no, I carefully analysed every other DCOM I have reviewed thus far- so why should I treat this any differently? There is no angle which will allow you to view this film as good, I can’t even say it had potential; whoever made this should be humiliated x
2/10 (only because of the farmer boy being cute)